A One Mann’s Movies review of “F9: The Fast Saga” (2021).
Bob the Movie Man Rating:
For F9’s-sake. “Fast and Furious 9” – – that’s NINE! Big sigh. You’d think by now, they would be getting vaguely good at this. And I guess they are in a lazy, formulaic, money-making sort of way.
“Do you REALLY think this is practising social distancing??”. (Source: Universal Pictures International).
Plot Summary:
Dom (Vin Diesel) and Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) are living a bucolic life in the middle of nowhere bringing up their kid (or someone’s kid – – I’ve really lost track). But then an airborne attempted theft – involving Mr Nobody (Kurt Russell) drags them back danger mode again along with the rest of the gang. The bad-guy is Jakob (John Cena), who both Dom and his sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) has a past with. He is trying to reunite two halves of a super-weapon, together with the key that will activate it, and deliver him world-domination.
Can the team use their driving skills and magnetic personalities to overcome the evil scheme? (Answers on a postcard).
Now most people travel on their vehicles the right way up. (Source: Universal Pictures International).
Certification:
Talent:
Starring: Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, John Cena, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Nathalie Emmanuel, Charlize Theron, Sung Kang, Helen Mirren, Kurt Russell + some surprise special guest!
Directed by: Justin Lin.
Written by: Daniel Casey and Justin Lin (based on a story by Justin Lin , Alfredo Botello and Daniel Casey.
It’s pretty difficult to tell what stunts were done for real, and which done in CGI. (Source: Universal Pictures International).
“F9” Review:
Positives:
- Glossy locations, fast cars and beautiful women: the usual Fast stuff.
- When the stunts are “real”, they are good and exciting. But it’s often difficult to tell when there’s been a ‘computer-assist’.
Let’s drive through the minefield guys. Great idea! (Source: Universal Pictures International).
Negatives:
- I complained in my review for “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard” about it having a childish and ludicrous plot. This movie makes that look like bloody Shakespeare! There’s an attempt to add a smidgen of family tension into the mix, based on Dom’s childhood trauma. But aside from that element, the ‘story’ (I use the term in its loosest possible sense) bounces (without any rational logic most of the time) from ludicrous situation to ludicrous situation without pause. Most of these are linked by Ramsey (the very British Nathalie Emmanuel) stating a random fact such as “Well, now he’s going to need to launch a satellite”. And off we go again. (That particular bat-shit crazy story arc even sees them ‘doing a Musk’ and flying a car into space: I kid you not!)
- It’s not even the ‘big stuff’ that’s unbelievable. Everywhere you look, there are inconsistencies and things that don’t make sense.
- Tej (played by Ludicris – an appropriate name here) takes dodging a brigade worth of machine gun bullets to nonsensical limits.
- Generally, the cast gets blasted, dropped, crashed, burned, and otherwise put through more fatal situations than you can imagine, only to walk out without a scratch.
- And if you can show me a single delivery lorry in Edinburgh that has an automatic gearbox, I’ll be amazed!
- At one point, Roman (Tyrese Gibson) mutters some line about “Trusting in the physics and the numbers”. Well, let me tell you, it’s like no physics that I studied on this planet. A lot of the set pieces involve huge magnets attached to trucks and cars. Now – correct me if I’m wrong – but if you turn a massive magnet on in a truck then as well as ripping the car you are chasing through the adjacent building (as if), you will also force the truck to be pulled into that building too. OK, perhaps not as much…. but the lorry ain’t going to stay in its driving lane, I know that much! And magnets attract metal – they don’t repel it!
- At 145 minutes, this is well over 2 hours of my life I will never get back.
No. Don’t ask. Just don’t ask. (Source: Universal Pictures International).
Summary Thoughts on “F9”:
It’s just such a formulaic and contrived piece of fluff that it makes me cross that they can spend $200,000 on a movie and not make it better. Part of this involves the lazy use of CGI to create obviously nonsensical stunts that devalue true action films. Yes, the stunt team was busy, and impressive, here – but always going for “one better” has led to extensive use of CGI. That’s why I liked the 2014 ‘knock-off’ film “Need for Speed” – – at least they did all their stunts old-school, in camera, and not in the computer.
But whatever I say here, this movie will unfortunately get its audience. At the time of writing, it’s already made nearly $300K at the box office on its $200K budget. Which means there will inevitably be an F10, no doubt involving a driving battle on the planet Mars. Sigh.
By the way, before you dive for the exits to relieve your bladder (it is 145 minutes after all), there is a monkey mid-credits that re-introduces an old favourite.
Trailer:
The trailer for “F9: The Fast Saga” is here – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSiDu3Ywi8E .
Hi Bob, Congrats on making the final in Pointless. Six questions for enquiring minds, if I may— Did you and Jen each receive a coveted Pointless trophy, or did they provide you with one to share? Are your names inscribed in the Pointless trophy (or trophies) along with the date of your win—or is it blank? Do they give you the trophy right away? Where do you display your Pointless trophy? Who is more congenial when the camera isn’t rolling—Xander or Richard? Are you told to feign surprise when they tell you that the jackpot wasn’t won in the previous… Read more »
Hi Kenneth – good questions. My answers below…. 1) No, we have one each. 2) No, they are not inscribed at all. I have been terrified of breaking it while dusting, but I could always get another via eBay if needed! 3) Yep – Straight after the show. 4) On my mantelpiece, next to my Oscar (joke). 5) Both were very nice indeed… very friendly and affable, as you might expect. 6) Nope… unless (from the green room) you have seen the previous contestants coming out looking way too happy, you have no way of knowing what happened in the… Read more »
Thanks, Bob. I appreciate your response. Must’ve been a cool experience.
I’m looking forward to reading some of your movie reviews!
Here are some slightly off-the-beaten path films that I have enjoyed:
House of Sand and Fog (Ben Kingsley, Jennifer Connelly)
Requiem for a Dream (Jared Leto)
Shine (Geoffrey Rush)
Memento (Guy Pearce)
Ravenous (Robert Carlyle)
An Innocent Man (Tom Selleck)
The Big Lebowski (Jeff Bridges)
Cheers,
Ken
Thanks – yes, it was a cool and memorable experience.
Memento is a cracking film for sure! Did you see Guy Pearce in the Mare of Easttown? Still an excellent actor.